Handling Denials and How Parents Can Help

The natural reaction for parents, when they see their child suffering, is to try and make it better. College denials are inevitable in an atmosphere of increasingly selective admissions, so how can you help ease your child’s pain when they are not chosen, for many reasons that are out of their and your control?

“Parents need to accept that where their child chooses to go to college is not an assessment of their parenting skills.”

What happens when your child has to settle for Plan B? How do you help your child roll with reality? 

For parents: Accept that it’s complicated. The process is complicated by emotions, yours and your child’s – and by both of your preconceived notions. Even more complicated for students is the pressure from their classmates and sometimes the judgment from parents’ friends, as if they have disappointed their parents. Parents need to accept that where their child chooses to go to college is not an assessment of their parenting skills.  

Advice in these kinds of situations always sounds so cliché, but as resistant as your child may be, it can help. Ideas to share with your child:

Don't take it personally. Encourage your child to understand the big picture. If sharing stats on the number of students who applied to Stanford and were denied helps, use them. Not being accepted is not the equivalent of failure. Colleges are committed to fulfilling their institutional priorities by accepting students who are often underrepresented. Perhaps your child is a classic “over-represented” student. Or the college needs to increase their population of oboe players or women golfers.

Don’t feel like this only happened to you. There are lots of other students whose dreams also weren’t realized. You’re not alone. Reach out to friends and commiserate and then try to move on together. You’ll all appreciate the support. 

Don’t get caught up with the prestige factor. Recognize that a brand name doesn't equal success or happiness. Your performance during your undergraduate experience will be the biggest factor that determines your job opportunities. 

Don’t obsess about the denials and do your best to be positive about your other options. Instead of agonizing over rejections, use that energy to identify another school that you will like. Sometimes rejections can send a student to a different school, down a different path and in line for the unexpected great opportunities that can crop up. Some students think they want big schools and realize they’ll have more opportunity to shine at a smaller school. Celebrate your acceptances!

The big picture here is that for many students the “denial letter” may be the first time they have experienced serious disappointment. Egos are bruised. The truth is they’ll grow and get over it. Handling this “no” will make them better prepared for future obstacles. College rejection happens to almost all students, but it shouldn’t define the rest of their lives.