10 Suggestions to Engage Your Reluctant Student
Feel like you’re dragging your high schooler through the college stuff? They don’t seem excited about college or the process. When a student is not engaged, to parents it looks a lot like lack of motivation. More likely, though, your student is feeling overwhelmed about the unknowns, confused about major and career interests, and/or fearful – fear of the unknown, fear of moving away, fear of not succeeding and fear of letting family down.
In normal times, there is reluctance with high schoolers facing the future, but students have even more to be confused and uncertain about this year with the quarantine and issues it has brought with it. Here are some ideas to try to bring your child along:
Pinpoint the cause of the hesitation or reluctance. College may loom as a scary place, something that has been held over their heads for years (‘You need to get at least a B in this class or you won’t get into college’), not a reward. Ask questions. Allow them to express their feelings and listen. Once you understand their hesitation, you can help break things down into tiny manageable parts. If their hesitation comes from something deeper, like severe depression, arrange for professional help. They need to be confident in their mental health before heading off to college.
Look for ways to bring college into day-to-day conversation, even with students as young as in middle school, with not-too-big conversations. Example: while watching a sporting match or game, ask ‘Have you heard of these two colleges?’ Then look them up and check out photos of the campuses.
Get them excited about college. Talk about aspects of college you know will draw them in – certain courses they long to take but that are not offered at their high school, specialized clubs and organizations, the opportunity to live independently.
For students stalled by career path confusion, helping them figure out what they like and what they’re suited for can lead to some clarity. Instead of asking what they want to major in, ask what their favorite classes have been and why. Ask how they would construct an entire day, if given absolute choice. (Parents: remember "Undeclared" is a valid choice for applicants and freshmen.) Also, a good career assessment tool can help pinpoint where interest and aptitude intersect.
Bribe. If you know what might motivate your kid, use that – money, video games? Come up with a reward system for academic work. Make the prize attainable. Tie the process to exploration and experience, not the achievement. Make it more about the behavior you want to reward. Example: ask them to put together their resume and they can have the next day completely off to play video games. Or write a first draft of their Personal Essay and you will give them complete use of the car for the weekend.
Make some casual college visits starting with those closest to home, like your state university. Sign up for the campus tour and information session, but do some wandering, too – maybe a visit to the school library and campus bookstore. By making some college visits during freshman, sophomore and junior years, students get a feel for campus environments. In-person visits are best, but with some of the colleges still offering only virtual visits, explore college websites. Many offer virtual tours of the campus or YouVisit 360-degree tours (and virtual reality tours for those with a headset). Colleges have social media sites that students can follow where they can ask questions and connect with students and admissions representatives. Watch YouTube videos of the campus.
Let others share the burden, like us (College Solutions), high school guidance department and the colleges themselves. Ask the experts to answer your student’s tough questions. Put the burden on the colleges to make their pitch. Let the college sell itself to your child. Your kid will believe those college representatives over years and years of your parental advice. Also, summer programs are a good way to test-drive a campus.
Make the process more fun. Example: suggest getting take-out breakfast and talk about college on the way to pick up. If there is a college near a baseball game or an amusement park, visit the colleges and then end up at the baseball game/park.
Don’t pressure and don’t compare your child to others and what others are doing. Most high school students are willing to discuss their college options if they know their wishes, ideas, and goals are taken seriously. Be prepared for surprising revelations. Don’t panic if they're not sure about attending college. (That might be the fear talking). There are other paths. They need to be told there’s a college out there for them but that finding it all starts with a little time, thought and research by them.
Give them some autonomy over their search process. Maybe you let them work out the details of their college visit trips. Recognize when they accomplish something. Example: when they reach out to an admissions officer to ask which of two classes to take senior year, praise them. It took some courage to make that call.